Another Jdate woman. Another (iced) coffee for first date. And another lie about marital status.
As has happened 4 times now in the last year, a woman contacts me, online profile says "divorced". She confesses on or before first date, "... I have a get but not a civil divorce.".
I'm tired of giving points for 'fessing up on first dates. When I ask as gently as possible why the mis-information, I get no coherent response. It's either insecurity about starting to date again after end of a marriage, or revenge dating, or they think separation means they are immediately ready to date again.
Sorry, I will not be the rebound guy. I will not be the "just dating for fun" target. I've always been happy to spend time alone if there was nobody special in my life.
I've turned down multiple fix-ups recently because the marital status was not "free and clear". I don't need to get married tomorrow (though I wouldn't turn down the right woman who proposes to me).
But a suitable date for me needs to be honest with herself before she can be honest with me.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Back Online And Living In The Moment
Back and better than ever!
Had a break from blogging while I got ramped up in my new job, been about six weeks, longer than anticipated, since I blogged.
My cynicism and sarcasm are ameliorating. I've had some down time and some mild dating success that have renewed my optimism. HaShem has reminded me to be grateful for the little moments as well as the big blessings... I'm living in the moment much more now.
You see, since Simchat Torah, I've been working hard on my kavanah, my learning, and my dating. Working *too hard* at it. I've put too much pressure on myself, gotten frustrated with lack of substantial progress, and been dismayed by some thoughtless shidduch attempts by well-meaning people. As a result, I forgot how to live in the moment. I've been thinking *way* too much about the future and about being a demographic anomaly (single and childless) in my community, and not enjoying the present. But that's changing.
I now realize that the last year has been harder on me than I had previously thought. I had been taking the "I'm a man, I can hack it, don't need help" attitude.
I think I was (to use the vernacular) close to cracking. For the first time since I went frum, I was beginning to contemplate going off the derech. But a date with a shiksa saved me. Yes, a shiksa.
She wrote to me on Jdate (don't get me started on the non-Jews on Jdate), she understood my religious situation and still wanted to meet. So we met for a drink. I left my kippah in the car. And I had a great time. No harm done, but I had a lovely conversation with very pretty, intelligent, and fun woman and it was GREAT to have a woman actually flirt with me for the first time in a long time, instead of sizing me up as a suitable zvug.
In her company, I lived "in the moment", not worrying about religion, marital status, future dates, potential children. It was a reminder to enjoy living in the moment, even if it wasn't productive with respect to my long term goals.
***
Then I made a visit to Dougie's BBQ in Teaneck. As I approached the place, whom do I see coming out the door with a take-out bag? The gal from Premature Resurrection. I put her aside a month ago because she has just too many issues, but I was tempted to say "hi" even though she didn't recognize me. She looked very unhappy and in a hurry. But spotting her before she spotted me gave me a laugh (out of earshot) and a smile that lasted the rest of the day. I was living in the moment, instead of in my own head.
Living in one's own head can be a problem for singles who have been alone a long time. We rarely have a choice; with nobody to talk to, to confide in, or to give us what we need or want, we often have (unproductive and unpleasant) conversations with ourselves.
***
I also had a very nice date with a machmir girl who is very sweet and smart. And prettier than the "average looking" that I had been told by the shadchun (maybe I am a fool for not asking for pictures ahead of time?). Another pleasant surprise. More living in the moment, will worry about a next date (or not) when I call her to wish her a good shabbos.
***
It's good to be back online, good to be moving forward even without plans, and good to be living in the moment (it's much more enjoyable than worrying about things I can't control). I think that I'm finally beginning to accept that HaShem's plan for me might turn out to be good, even if it's not what I wanted long ago or even recently.
Had a break from blogging while I got ramped up in my new job, been about six weeks, longer than anticipated, since I blogged.
My cynicism and sarcasm are ameliorating. I've had some down time and some mild dating success that have renewed my optimism. HaShem has reminded me to be grateful for the little moments as well as the big blessings... I'm living in the moment much more now.
You see, since Simchat Torah, I've been working hard on my kavanah, my learning, and my dating. Working *too hard* at it. I've put too much pressure on myself, gotten frustrated with lack of substantial progress, and been dismayed by some thoughtless shidduch attempts by well-meaning people. As a result, I forgot how to live in the moment. I've been thinking *way* too much about the future and about being a demographic anomaly (single and childless) in my community, and not enjoying the present. But that's changing.
I now realize that the last year has been harder on me than I had previously thought. I had been taking the "I'm a man, I can hack it, don't need help" attitude.
I think I was (to use the vernacular) close to cracking. For the first time since I went frum, I was beginning to contemplate going off the derech. But a date with a shiksa saved me. Yes, a shiksa.
She wrote to me on Jdate (don't get me started on the non-Jews on Jdate), she understood my religious situation and still wanted to meet. So we met for a drink. I left my kippah in the car. And I had a great time. No harm done, but I had a lovely conversation with very pretty, intelligent, and fun woman and it was GREAT to have a woman actually flirt with me for the first time in a long time, instead of sizing me up as a suitable zvug.
In her company, I lived "in the moment", not worrying about religion, marital status, future dates, potential children. It was a reminder to enjoy living in the moment, even if it wasn't productive with respect to my long term goals.
***
Then I made a visit to Dougie's BBQ in Teaneck. As I approached the place, whom do I see coming out the door with a take-out bag? The gal from Premature Resurrection. I put her aside a month ago because she has just too many issues, but I was tempted to say "hi" even though she didn't recognize me. She looked very unhappy and in a hurry. But spotting her before she spotted me gave me a laugh (out of earshot) and a smile that lasted the rest of the day. I was living in the moment, instead of in my own head.
Living in one's own head can be a problem for singles who have been alone a long time. We rarely have a choice; with nobody to talk to, to confide in, or to give us what we need or want, we often have (unproductive and unpleasant) conversations with ourselves.
***
I also had a very nice date with a machmir girl who is very sweet and smart. And prettier than the "average looking" that I had been told by the shadchun (maybe I am a fool for not asking for pictures ahead of time?). Another pleasant surprise. More living in the moment, will worry about a next date (or not) when I call her to wish her a good shabbos.
***
It's good to be back online, good to be moving forward even without plans, and good to be living in the moment (it's much more enjoyable than worrying about things I can't control). I think that I'm finally beginning to accept that HaShem's plan for me might turn out to be good, even if it's not what I wanted long ago or even recently.
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