Dirty Dancing at My Shul?

While waiting for Mincha minyan to start, a long-time member of my new shul told the story of how some changes to shul policy were made.

It seems that for many decades a long time ago, my shul allowed mixed dancing. The current rabbi, when he arrived some 25 years ago, gently suggested a change in policy to prohibit mixed dancing. It created some heated debate amongst the board members, goes the story.

Ultimately, a policy compromise was adopted to prohibit mixed dancing at shul-sponsored events, but private functions for which the social hall was rented could have mixed dancing.

That story made me realize how far I've come. I'm now ambivalent about mixed dancing in general, but I kind of like that it's not part of frumkeit. I still appreciate the athleticism and beauty of classic and modern forms of dance, but I also see how mixed dancing is related to yetzer ra.

***

When I was a young(er) non-observant Jew in the Conservative movement, I sometimes went out with dates and friends for mixed dancing at night clubs. It was a lot of fun, I admit. But it was very wrong in some ways, as I now see, and not the most productive use of time if one is seriously dating for marriage, as opposed to  just having "fun".

Going along with some aspects of pop culture was what I did then, including "Dirty Dancing". I never used drugs, not even once. I tried to avoid casual relationships with women, but I did consume some adult beverages from time to time.

Having inhibitions lowered by alcohol and by primal beat of pop music did indulge my yetzer ra to some degree. I wasn't dating anybody seriously, so it didn't matter, right?

Looking back, the quality of my life and the amount of fun I've had would have been no less had I avoided mixed dancing. I simply would have had different fun.

I had not been acting like the young gentleman I had been raised to be, the serious and "good" boy whom I was when I first got out of college. I had internalized the popular culture values and moved away from the values I was raised with, the values to which I would eventually return as a FortyFrumThing.

The people around me then knew me as a nice guy who could "let his hair down" once in a while without any intent of doing ill.  But it was wrong to allow myself to be tempted by yetzer ra. I just didn't know it at the time, because tznius, shomer negiah, and frumkeit were unknown to me.

***

Nu, I'm glad that there are standards in my new community that are stricter than those manifested in popular culture. Those standards have helped me rediscover the Good Boy that I used to be.

The Thoughtless Shidduch

I appreciate shidduchim. I've made four (4!!! out of 6 attempts) myself, all resulting in marriages and children, so I'm guaranteed a place in heaven. But I would rather be guaranteed a place under the chuppah.

I've been the target of some kind but not-terribly-thoughtful offers to be set up that I've received since I went on the derech. Many wonderful people in the modern Orthodox community, who have been married so long that they don't recall what it's like to date, seem to think that, "He's single. She's single. It must be a match!"

Thought is rarely given to compatibility of personality and social skills. I can talk with almost anybody about almost anything; I listen, and ask questions and usually get women to open up. If I can't, then the problem is probably not me.

And then there's hashkafa. Many well-meaning people in my frum community encourage me to date women in the Conservative and Reform movements (who do not keep kosher or shabbos) or women who are totally secular. I'm open to future converts and future Baalei Teshuva but odds are that I'm not likely to make a connection with them when basics like Shabbos observance and kashrut are seen as odd and limiting by non-frum people.

***

At least my married male friends try to exert veto power over their wives' bad suggestions. But they inevitably defer to their wives with "It's worth a chance, you never know."

Please, everybody, keep in mind that every disappointing date and shidduch attempt takes a toll on a single person, so put a little thought into it.

And do everything you can to make your own marriages work. You don't want to be "out there". Trust me on that.

Forty-something and Frum

First blog post. SJM, newly frum (observant). In my forties. Never married (not my fault, but that's another post... or many more posts, so stay tuned). No children.

Wanted to provide opportunity for people to read my story as I travel on the derech, get some comments and feedback, and find an outlet for things that I can't easily say to either my not-so-observant family or my new frum community.

Nu... was reading up today on the more liberal wing of modern Orthodox Judaism a la YCT and the more or less centrist wing represented by RIETS. I'm too new to Orthodoxy (having been raised in a Conservative family not observant of shabbos or kashrut) to have a strong opinion on this or to decide how I trend.

I'm very aware that people with an agenda can find or derive obscure halakhic reasoning to rationalize many things that they have already decided on, even if "we don't posken that way" in the majority of the time. So I understand the criticism of "Open Orthodoxy" (and YCT which may be guilty only by association). 

And I'm also bothered by the sometimes automatically reactionary view in centrist  (never mind more machmir) Orthodoxy of new ideas for which there appear to be no explicit halakhic prohibitions.

So far, most of the criticisms of more liberal interpretations of halakha that I've personally heard and read have come from laypeople, not from the rabbinate. None of rabbis whom I've personally encountered in the frum world will criticize each other directly or "throw snowballs at each other" (as a friend joked they might like to do, during a recent big snowstorm).

I like the way things seem to be (at least on the surface) in my community: live and let live. Multiple shuls, learning and outreach centers, a community kollel, etc., with different hashkafot. The rabbis all have different yet complementary skills, personalities, and perspectives. Yet all the community members pull together for each other. They have to because they have children in the same schools, are often mishpachah to each other, and share resources in many ways for learning, mikveh, simchas, shabbatons, etc.

It's very new to me, and I have much to learn. But I like being part of traditional Jewish community, especially this community.

"Success is the best revenge", and it sure seems to me that frum communities are the most successful at transmitting Torah, Torah values, Jewish tradition, and ensuring Jewish continuity. I want to be part of that success.