Attended a Singles Shabbaton recently. Big mistake. I should have known how bad it would be. When I called the organizer to register, she said "Wow, you sound MUCH more normal than everybody else".
I hadn't realized how normal I am, by comparison to most people in or near my demographic cohort (say, late 30s to early 50s) who are divorced or never been married. That's not my arrogance, it's what I'm told by many others.
One solipsistic guy at the Shabbaton, whom I nicknamed Rip Van Winkle, took a nap during the Rabbi's afternoon shiur...in the shul... laid down on the benches... after he took his shoes off.... showing his dirty socks to the rabbi and the Aron Kodesh. Then he started LOUDLY SNORING while the Rabbi spoke. Classy, eh?
At Shalosh Seudos, I sincerely asked him if he enjoyed his nap. But he didn't seem to be embarrassed about his behavior. I don't think this guy will EVER get married if he behaves as if only his own needs, desire, and preferences matter.
Most of the other folks (more guys than women attended) also seriously lacked some social skills and etiquette. Hate to be a snob about that, by my parents taught me well in those areas, even if it's bourgeois.
At least my host family was lovely, got to know another Orthodox community. The catered shabbaton food was OK. But the women were not all that interesting, and probably better than the guys (see Rip Van Winkle, above).
Most of the women were OK to talk to, though. I got to speak to most of them at least a little bit. Only two interested me at all. One of them didn't respond much to my interest, the other disappeared halfway through the shabbaton and never returned.
One woman there was a former Jdate contact who surprised me by showing up. We had met for coffee in the fall, she wanted to get together again. I had initially demurred because she was one of my "lied about her age and marital status" dates.
But at her request, I agreed to give her another chance. Of course, I called her twice to set up another date, and the ignored both calls.
So after the Shabbaton, I asked her what happened.
It turns out to be the usual: it was too soon after her separation, she admitted that she hadn't been ready to date, and had been too embarassed to tell me the truth.
No matter how many times a separated or recently divorced woman tells me she is ready to date again, she is NOT ready to date ME. She is needing time and other dating/relationship experience after both get and civil divorce.
That's my preference and requirement, not being judgmental. I know what works for me and what doesn't from my substantial experience dating divorced, separated, and recently broken-up people.
I'm sure many guys behave strangely after separation and divorce, too.
But I'm 0-0-2 to use a metaphor of sports records. No wins (marriages), losses (divorces), and two ties (break-ups before marriages that would not have worked). Not a losing record.
But I would like to get at least one win under my belt before my number is retired.
***
I doubt that I'll attend another Singles Shabbaton. It's too much like the singles events that I've tried before becoming religious. I prefer doing activities where there is a point to being there besides meeting single people; it takes the pressure off.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The Princess and The Park
Update time. Been swamped at work. Summer is the busy season in my industry, so I'm not dating much.
But I did have a lovely date with a lovely woman who has potential. It's been a long time coming; we've known each other for about a year and been dancing around the possibility of dating for some months.
I was very charming on the date, I have to brag. Picked her up for an acoustic music concert (right before the Three Weeks that precede Tisha B'Av).
Had told her we would go to dinner first. We get in my car, and driving towards the concert, I ask her what and where she feels like eating (pretending as if I didn't have a plan). She tries (badly) to act unfazed about my not having a plan.
"I have an idea..." I say.
"You got a brainstorm?" she nervously asks.
"Ehhh. Something like that." I casually reply.
So I drive to a beautiful waterfront park that I like, near the concert. We get out of the car, I pop open the trunk and pull out a cornucopia of delights and a big blanket.
"A picnic?" she asks, obviously surprised. I just smile.
Kosher fish, veggies, dips, crackers and chips, fresh fruit, chilled water (the park doesn't allow alcohol). No bread, so washing and bentching will not be required.
Gorgeous sunny weather, park almost empty, wonderful long chat, flirting during the wonderful concert. I surprised her, made her smile, treated her like a princess as every woman enjoys.
We'll see each other again. The situation is complicated for reasons I can't discuss (don't worry folks, she has both get and civil divorce). But for the first time since I became frum, I'm looking forward to a second date.
But I did have a lovely date with a lovely woman who has potential. It's been a long time coming; we've known each other for about a year and been dancing around the possibility of dating for some months.
I was very charming on the date, I have to brag. Picked her up for an acoustic music concert (right before the Three Weeks that precede Tisha B'Av).
Had told her we would go to dinner first. We get in my car, and driving towards the concert, I ask her what and where she feels like eating (pretending as if I didn't have a plan). She tries (badly) to act unfazed about my not having a plan.
"I have an idea..." I say.
"You got a brainstorm?" she nervously asks.
"Ehhh. Something like that." I casually reply.
So I drive to a beautiful waterfront park that I like, near the concert. We get out of the car, I pop open the trunk and pull out a cornucopia of delights and a big blanket.
"A picnic?" she asks, obviously surprised. I just smile.
Kosher fish, veggies, dips, crackers and chips, fresh fruit, chilled water (the park doesn't allow alcohol). No bread, so washing and bentching will not be required.
Gorgeous sunny weather, park almost empty, wonderful long chat, flirting during the wonderful concert. I surprised her, made her smile, treated her like a princess as every woman enjoys.
We'll see each other again. The situation is complicated for reasons I can't discuss (don't worry folks, she has both get and civil divorce). But for the first time since I became frum, I'm looking forward to a second date.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Seeking An Honest Woman
Another Jdate woman. Another (iced) coffee for first date. And another lie about marital status.
As has happened 4 times now in the last year, a woman contacts me, online profile says "divorced". She confesses on or before first date, "... I have a get but not a civil divorce.".
I'm tired of giving points for 'fessing up on first dates. When I ask as gently as possible why the mis-information, I get no coherent response. It's either insecurity about starting to date again after end of a marriage, or revenge dating, or they think separation means they are immediately ready to date again.
Sorry, I will not be the rebound guy. I will not be the "just dating for fun" target. I've always been happy to spend time alone if there was nobody special in my life.
I've turned down multiple fix-ups recently because the marital status was not "free and clear". I don't need to get married tomorrow (though I wouldn't turn down the right woman who proposes to me).
But a suitable date for me needs to be honest with herself before she can be honest with me.
As has happened 4 times now in the last year, a woman contacts me, online profile says "divorced". She confesses on or before first date, "... I have a get but not a civil divorce.".
I'm tired of giving points for 'fessing up on first dates. When I ask as gently as possible why the mis-information, I get no coherent response. It's either insecurity about starting to date again after end of a marriage, or revenge dating, or they think separation means they are immediately ready to date again.
Sorry, I will not be the rebound guy. I will not be the "just dating for fun" target. I've always been happy to spend time alone if there was nobody special in my life.
I've turned down multiple fix-ups recently because the marital status was not "free and clear". I don't need to get married tomorrow (though I wouldn't turn down the right woman who proposes to me).
But a suitable date for me needs to be honest with herself before she can be honest with me.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Back Online And Living In The Moment
Back and better than ever!
Had a break from blogging while I got ramped up in my new job, been about six weeks, longer than anticipated, since I blogged.
My cynicism and sarcasm are ameliorating. I've had some down time and some mild dating success that have renewed my optimism. HaShem has reminded me to be grateful for the little moments as well as the big blessings... I'm living in the moment much more now.
You see, since Simchat Torah, I've been working hard on my kavanah, my learning, and my dating. Working *too hard* at it. I've put too much pressure on myself, gotten frustrated with lack of substantial progress, and been dismayed by some thoughtless shidduch attempts by well-meaning people. As a result, I forgot how to live in the moment. I've been thinking *way* too much about the future and about being a demographic anomaly (single and childless) in my community, and not enjoying the present. But that's changing.
I now realize that the last year has been harder on me than I had previously thought. I had been taking the "I'm a man, I can hack it, don't need help" attitude.
I think I was (to use the vernacular) close to cracking. For the first time since I went frum, I was beginning to contemplate going off the derech. But a date with a shiksa saved me. Yes, a shiksa.
She wrote to me on Jdate (don't get me started on the non-Jews on Jdate), she understood my religious situation and still wanted to meet. So we met for a drink. I left my kippah in the car. And I had a great time. No harm done, but I had a lovely conversation with very pretty, intelligent, and fun woman and it was GREAT to have a woman actually flirt with me for the first time in a long time, instead of sizing me up as a suitable zvug.
In her company, I lived "in the moment", not worrying about religion, marital status, future dates, potential children. It was a reminder to enjoy living in the moment, even if it wasn't productive with respect to my long term goals.
***
Then I made a visit to Dougie's BBQ in Teaneck. As I approached the place, whom do I see coming out the door with a take-out bag? The gal from Premature Resurrection. I put her aside a month ago because she has just too many issues, but I was tempted to say "hi" even though she didn't recognize me. She looked very unhappy and in a hurry. But spotting her before she spotted me gave me a laugh (out of earshot) and a smile that lasted the rest of the day. I was living in the moment, instead of in my own head.
Living in one's own head can be a problem for singles who have been alone a long time. We rarely have a choice; with nobody to talk to, to confide in, or to give us what we need or want, we often have (unproductive and unpleasant) conversations with ourselves.
***
I also had a very nice date with a machmir girl who is very sweet and smart. And prettier than the "average looking" that I had been told by the shadchun (maybe I am a fool for not asking for pictures ahead of time?). Another pleasant surprise. More living in the moment, will worry about a next date (or not) when I call her to wish her a good shabbos.
***
It's good to be back online, good to be moving forward even without plans, and good to be living in the moment (it's much more enjoyable than worrying about things I can't control). I think that I'm finally beginning to accept that HaShem's plan for me might turn out to be good, even if it's not what I wanted long ago or even recently.
Had a break from blogging while I got ramped up in my new job, been about six weeks, longer than anticipated, since I blogged.
My cynicism and sarcasm are ameliorating. I've had some down time and some mild dating success that have renewed my optimism. HaShem has reminded me to be grateful for the little moments as well as the big blessings... I'm living in the moment much more now.
You see, since Simchat Torah, I've been working hard on my kavanah, my learning, and my dating. Working *too hard* at it. I've put too much pressure on myself, gotten frustrated with lack of substantial progress, and been dismayed by some thoughtless shidduch attempts by well-meaning people. As a result, I forgot how to live in the moment. I've been thinking *way* too much about the future and about being a demographic anomaly (single and childless) in my community, and not enjoying the present. But that's changing.
I now realize that the last year has been harder on me than I had previously thought. I had been taking the "I'm a man, I can hack it, don't need help" attitude.
I think I was (to use the vernacular) close to cracking. For the first time since I went frum, I was beginning to contemplate going off the derech. But a date with a shiksa saved me. Yes, a shiksa.
She wrote to me on Jdate (don't get me started on the non-Jews on Jdate), she understood my religious situation and still wanted to meet. So we met for a drink. I left my kippah in the car. And I had a great time. No harm done, but I had a lovely conversation with very pretty, intelligent, and fun woman and it was GREAT to have a woman actually flirt with me for the first time in a long time, instead of sizing me up as a suitable zvug.
In her company, I lived "in the moment", not worrying about religion, marital status, future dates, potential children. It was a reminder to enjoy living in the moment, even if it wasn't productive with respect to my long term goals.
***
Then I made a visit to Dougie's BBQ in Teaneck. As I approached the place, whom do I see coming out the door with a take-out bag? The gal from Premature Resurrection. I put her aside a month ago because she has just too many issues, but I was tempted to say "hi" even though she didn't recognize me. She looked very unhappy and in a hurry. But spotting her before she spotted me gave me a laugh (out of earshot) and a smile that lasted the rest of the day. I was living in the moment, instead of in my own head.
Living in one's own head can be a problem for singles who have been alone a long time. We rarely have a choice; with nobody to talk to, to confide in, or to give us what we need or want, we often have (unproductive and unpleasant) conversations with ourselves.
***
I also had a very nice date with a machmir girl who is very sweet and smart. And prettier than the "average looking" that I had been told by the shadchun (maybe I am a fool for not asking for pictures ahead of time?). Another pleasant surprise. More living in the moment, will worry about a next date (or not) when I call her to wish her a good shabbos.
***
It's good to be back online, good to be moving forward even without plans, and good to be living in the moment (it's much more enjoyable than worrying about things I can't control). I think that I'm finally beginning to accept that HaShem's plan for me might turn out to be good, even if it's not what I wanted long ago or even recently.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Women With Phone Problems
Sorry for the delayed output recently. New job is going well, which means I'm very busy. Another week or two and I hope to return to more frequent blog posts.
***
So, what's the deal with women and voice mail?
Women whom I phone socially seem to have problems using phones and voice mail. Specifically, they can't seem to retrieve messages and/or return calls.
I have lost track of the number of times over the years that I have left multiple voice mails for women and not gotten called back. When I ask (in person) weeks or even a month later if they got my voice mail, the answer is invariably, "No".
Typically: 15 years ago, I met "Ann" at a shabbos dinner hosted by a mutual friend. After shabbos, the host called me and said "Ann thought you were very nice and said I could give you her number if you wanted it".
So I called Ann. No answer, left a voice mail. After a week without a call back, I called again. Again, no answer. Again, I left a voice mail. Never heard back from her. Five months later, I bump into the host of the shabbos dinner who said that Ann had recently asked why I never called her.
Go figure. This woman was a brilliant engineer, no kidding. And she couldn't use a phone and voice mail properly.
This has happened MANY times over the years.
In the last 12 months alone, three women have also failed to return my calls after I left multiple messages for each, separated by at least a week between each message. I was eventually able to make contact in-person with all three. I asked all three if they had gotten my (multiple) messages. No for all three.
All of these women who can't seem to use voice mail and telephones in general are professionals. All responsible, successful. I bet they dare not fail to return calls for work. So why the technological challenge in their social lives?
Is this a manifestation of The Rules that make men chase and make women "unavailable"? Or do women put their technological skills in stand-by mode after 5pm?
Opinions, please?
***
So, what's the deal with women and voice mail?
Women whom I phone socially seem to have problems using phones and voice mail. Specifically, they can't seem to retrieve messages and/or return calls.
I have lost track of the number of times over the years that I have left multiple voice mails for women and not gotten called back. When I ask (in person) weeks or even a month later if they got my voice mail, the answer is invariably, "No".
Typically: 15 years ago, I met "Ann" at a shabbos dinner hosted by a mutual friend. After shabbos, the host called me and said "Ann thought you were very nice and said I could give you her number if you wanted it".
So I called Ann. No answer, left a voice mail. After a week without a call back, I called again. Again, no answer. Again, I left a voice mail. Never heard back from her. Five months later, I bump into the host of the shabbos dinner who said that Ann had recently asked why I never called her.
Go figure. This woman was a brilliant engineer, no kidding. And she couldn't use a phone and voice mail properly.
This has happened MANY times over the years.
In the last 12 months alone, three women have also failed to return my calls after I left multiple messages for each, separated by at least a week between each message. I was eventually able to make contact in-person with all three. I asked all three if they had gotten my (multiple) messages. No for all three.
All of these women who can't seem to use voice mail and telephones in general are professionals. All responsible, successful. I bet they dare not fail to return calls for work. So why the technological challenge in their social lives?
Is this a manifestation of The Rules that make men chase and make women "unavailable"? Or do women put their technological skills in stand-by mode after 5pm?
Opinions, please?
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The Homeless Jew
Been offline for a few days because of workload.
Israel Memorial and Independence day celebrations were moving and inspirational for me. Hope yours were same.
***
Homeless man showed up at minyan yesterday. Asked for food and money. We all gave him money and kosher food from the shul kitchen.
He borrowed tefillin and he davened!
A homeless fellow Yid. Broke my heart.
I gave him and his one bag a ride to the JCC so he could shower at the gym. He was grateful and I wished him luck.
I hope he can get where he was going and find a decent job and housing.
We must not forget the unique needs of fellow Jews who are in trouble, needs that non-Jews do not have, the need to fulfill mitzvot.
***
I have a relative who is homeless. Mentally ill, refuses to take or stay on medication. But very high-functioning. Nobody in the family can do anything for him, except get him a small amount of money when he's in great need. He won't accept any other help and doesn't want to be a burdren to others.
His own immediate family won't have anything to do with him. I can understand their thinking, but when it comes time to take care of his final needs, I will do it. Even before I became religious, I decided that if nobody else in the family would ever attend his funeral, then I would.
He's family, he's a Jew, and someday he will depart this life. I want to provide him some measure of dignity at that time.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Israel Memorial and Independence day celebrations were moving and inspirational for me. Hope yours were same.
***
Homeless man showed up at minyan yesterday. Asked for food and money. We all gave him money and kosher food from the shul kitchen.
He borrowed tefillin and he davened!
A homeless fellow Yid. Broke my heart.
I gave him and his one bag a ride to the JCC so he could shower at the gym. He was grateful and I wished him luck.
I hope he can get where he was going and find a decent job and housing.
We must not forget the unique needs of fellow Jews who are in trouble, needs that non-Jews do not have, the need to fulfill mitzvot.
***
I have a relative who is homeless. Mentally ill, refuses to take or stay on medication. But very high-functioning. Nobody in the family can do anything for him, except get him a small amount of money when he's in great need. He won't accept any other help and doesn't want to be a burdren to others.
His own immediate family won't have anything to do with him. I can understand their thinking, but when it comes time to take care of his final needs, I will do it. Even before I became religious, I decided that if nobody else in the family would ever attend his funeral, then I would.
He's family, he's a Jew, and someday he will depart this life. I want to provide him some measure of dignity at that time.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, April 16, 2010
Friend of Friend
Gut Shabbos!
Got a call this morning from a rabbi who knows me. He got a call asking to provide a reference check on me for a shidduch. The rabbi asked my permission to tell what he knows about me (all that he knows of me is good, of course). We chatted about the shidduch process, too.
The call received by the rabbi catches me by surprise.
It's been months since I gave my information to a friend who had a friend who knew a shadchan (the one who called the rabbi) who "might know somebody" in my area. I'm always grateful for effort on my behalf, but I tend to set my expectations in such a way as to not be disappointed if nothing comes of a kind offer.
I'm slightly skeptical because the shadchan is allegedly trying to evalute me for her sister. Conflict of interest in shidduchim can be problematic. But I'm grateful nonetheless.
Only a good things can come of it. A new friend or perhaps more, or nothing less than the blessings that I already have been given.
I'm already grateful for the smile left on my face by the rabbi's call.
Got a call this morning from a rabbi who knows me. He got a call asking to provide a reference check on me for a shidduch. The rabbi asked my permission to tell what he knows about me (all that he knows of me is good, of course). We chatted about the shidduch process, too.
The call received by the rabbi catches me by surprise.
It's been months since I gave my information to a friend who had a friend who knew a shadchan (the one who called the rabbi) who "might know somebody" in my area. I'm always grateful for effort on my behalf, but I tend to set my expectations in such a way as to not be disappointed if nothing comes of a kind offer.
I'm slightly skeptical because the shadchan is allegedly trying to evalute me for her sister. Conflict of interest in shidduchim can be problematic. But I'm grateful nonetheless.
Only a good things can come of it. A new friend or perhaps more, or nothing less than the blessings that I already have been given.
I'm already grateful for the smile left on my face by the rabbi's call.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Premature Resurrection
"Surprise, surprise, surprise!", to quote Gomer Pyle, USMC.
The gal from Bye-Bye-By-Text-Message a month ago and who resurfaced on JDate and Frumster earlier this week has texted me again , "Things didn't work out with my ex... How was your Pesach?"
The flaky behavior is prima facie evidence of Premature Resurrection, i.e. dating after divorce before being truly ready.
I'm tempted to see where it goes, but I think it's a trap; I don't like to date recently divorced women.
Maybe I should daven for strength to resist this trap and to say Tehillim for finding a mate.
The gal from Bye-Bye-By-Text-Message a month ago and who resurfaced on JDate and Frumster earlier this week has texted me again , "Things didn't work out with my ex... How was your Pesach?"
The flaky behavior is prima facie evidence of Premature Resurrection, i.e. dating after divorce before being truly ready.
I'm tempted to see where it goes, but I think it's a trap; I don't like to date recently divorced women.
Maybe I should daven for strength to resist this trap and to say Tehillim for finding a mate.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
First Half of an Already Weird Week
After "Bubbe" from Frumster.com changed her mind last week about pursuing anything, and then my ending communication with 2 women from Jdate, more surprises so far this week (and today is only Tuesday):
1) A woman I dated just as I was starting to explore frum life (and who didn't want any part of it) has found herself in a new, serious relationship. I'm happy for her, but for the first time in over a year, I'm wondering if I should consider giving up on frumkeit. Had I not become religious, she would have been a great match for me.
2) And I just found out that another woman whom I met about 5 years before I went on the derech has (re)married. I'm happy for her, too, because when I met her, she was so nervous about meeting me and about dating again after a long marriage that she showed up inebriated for our first date and apologized for having had a few drinks to calm her nerves.
3) A friend insists that I come to some Israeli folk dancing sessions with him because he thinks there's a woman there whom I should meet. But my new ambivalence about mixed dancing leads me to think that a non-frum woman is probably not gonna like my kippa and tzitzis. If I go, should I go bare-headed and tucked like I do on a job interview?
4) Another JDate.com woman who previously decided to get back together with her "ex-" over a month ago is back on Frumster and looking at my profile again.
***
My Weirdness Meter is beeping louder as the week goes on. I hope at least Shabbos will not be weird.
1) A woman I dated just as I was starting to explore frum life (and who didn't want any part of it) has found herself in a new, serious relationship. I'm happy for her, but for the first time in over a year, I'm wondering if I should consider giving up on frumkeit. Had I not become religious, she would have been a great match for me.
2) And I just found out that another woman whom I met about 5 years before I went on the derech has (re)married. I'm happy for her, too, because when I met her, she was so nervous about meeting me and about dating again after a long marriage that she showed up inebriated for our first date and apologized for having had a few drinks to calm her nerves.
3) A friend insists that I come to some Israeli folk dancing sessions with him because he thinks there's a woman there whom I should meet. But my new ambivalence about mixed dancing leads me to think that a non-frum woman is probably not gonna like my kippa and tzitzis. If I go, should I go bare-headed and tucked like I do on a job interview?
4) Another JDate.com woman who previously decided to get back together with her "ex-" over a month ago is back on Frumster and looking at my profile again.
***
My Weirdness Meter is beeping louder as the week goes on. I hope at least Shabbos will not be weird.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Bubbe Doesn't Want to See Me Anymore
Bubbe doesn't want to see me any more.
Not referring to either of my own grandmothers.
I mean a woman from Frumster.com with 4 children and two grandchildren. And she's 2 years younger than I am.
Had lunch with her before Pesach on way home from a trip to visit some family. And we've talked on the phone every few days.
It wasn't instant bashert but I thought it was worth at least a second date.
She doesn't feel it will work. Fine.
Next!
Recently, a local woman from Jdate didn't look at all like her picture and doesn't want to be religious. My profile says, "Modern Orthodox". I wish I could understand why she wrote to me if religious observance is an issue.
Next!
A religious Jdate woman in NYC never wanted to even chat on the phone despite my offers to call, after a month of us emailing each other "How was your Shabbos?" So when she sent me a "How was your Pesach?" email this week, I replied that I'm no longer interested in communicating.
Next!
A lovely woman in my metropolitan area has hinted more than once of her interest (or at least curiosity) about me, has sent me some seemingly mixed signals, and also told me that she isn't sure where she wants her current relationship to go. I would prefer to avoid the "Extant Boyfriend" problem again, so I've told her that I hope her current relationship works out, but that if something changes, she should let me know. Until she's free...
Next!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Not referring to either of my own grandmothers.
I mean a woman from Frumster.com with 4 children and two grandchildren. And she's 2 years younger than I am.
Had lunch with her before Pesach on way home from a trip to visit some family. And we've talked on the phone every few days.
It wasn't instant bashert but I thought it was worth at least a second date.
She doesn't feel it will work. Fine.
Next!
Recently, a local woman from Jdate didn't look at all like her picture and doesn't want to be religious. My profile says, "Modern Orthodox". I wish I could understand why she wrote to me if religious observance is an issue.
Next!
A religious Jdate woman in NYC never wanted to even chat on the phone despite my offers to call, after a month of us emailing each other "How was your Shabbos?" So when she sent me a "How was your Pesach?" email this week, I replied that I'm no longer interested in communicating.
Next!
A lovely woman in my metropolitan area has hinted more than once of her interest (or at least curiosity) about me, has sent me some seemingly mixed signals, and also told me that she isn't sure where she wants her current relationship to go. I would prefer to avoid the "Extant Boyfriend" problem again, so I've told her that I hope her current relationship works out, but that if something changes, she should let me know. Until she's free...
Next!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, April 9, 2010
Return of the Motzei Shabbos Blues
Recently attended a live performance by J.D. Souther. Great music and stories about his times with Glenn Frey and The Eagles, dating Linda Ronstadt, and living downstairs from Jackson Browne.
... it makes me think I should write some "Motzei Shabbos Blues" lyrics to the tune of Glenn Frey's Smuggler's Blues
***
Shabbos is now ending late until we turn back the clocks after Daylight Savings Time ends.
With the late Motzei Shabbos come the Motzei Shabbos Blues.
Return from Havdalah at shul to an empty house. Married friends doing things with spouses. Divorced friends doing things with their children. None of the very few singles in my community want to go out late on Saturday night, much less with FortyFrumThing ( I have weird taste in culture: dark humor films, music not generally associated with Middle-Aged-Jewish-Guys, etc.)
My secular friends will already be out for the night, not waiting on a shomer shabbos friend.
Motzei Shabbos is becoming my least favorite part of the week. :)
Maybe the local late night Rock-and-Bowl bowling alley will appeal to me.
UPDATE: Ended up going bowling with a buddy whom I invited along while his family was out of town. From my score, you would never know that I used to be a decent bowler.
***
I'm planning on closing my Jdate.com and Frumster.com accounts. I've promised myself that I won't use them again.
I wonder if I can be absolved of that vow during Hatarat Nedarim (annulment of vows) when the Days of Awe come around this year...?
***
Anybody have the sheet music for Smuggler's Blues?
... it makes me think I should write some "Motzei Shabbos Blues" lyrics to the tune of Glenn Frey's Smuggler's Blues
***
Shabbos is now ending late until we turn back the clocks after Daylight Savings Time ends.
With the late Motzei Shabbos come the Motzei Shabbos Blues.
Return from Havdalah at shul to an empty house. Married friends doing things with spouses. Divorced friends doing things with their children. None of the very few singles in my community want to go out late on Saturday night, much less with FortyFrumThing ( I have weird taste in culture: dark humor films, music not generally associated with Middle-Aged-Jewish-Guys, etc.)
My secular friends will already be out for the night, not waiting on a shomer shabbos friend.
Motzei Shabbos is becoming my least favorite part of the week. :)
Maybe the local late night Rock-and-Bowl bowling alley will appeal to me.
UPDATE: Ended up going bowling with a buddy whom I invited along while his family was out of town. From my score, you would never know that I used to be a decent bowler.
***
I'm planning on closing my Jdate.com and Frumster.com accounts. I've promised myself that I won't use them again.
I wonder if I can be absolved of that vow during Hatarat Nedarim (annulment of vows) when the Days of Awe come around this year...?
***
Anybody have the sheet music for Smuggler's Blues?
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Hope and Moshiach
Attended my first Moshiach Seudah at Chabad last night before Maariv. Everybody had their turn to say something relating to Moshiach.
I now realize that when it feels like there is no hope for anything, there is still hope, because Moshiach is certain to come and usher in Redemption and a kind of perfection of the world including resurrection of the dead.
In that world, I will have what I seek even if I don't find it all in this lifetime.
So there is always hope.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I now realize that when it feels like there is no hope for anything, there is still hope, because Moshiach is certain to come and usher in Redemption and a kind of perfection of the world including resurrection of the dead.
In that world, I will have what I seek even if I don't find it all in this lifetime.
So there is always hope.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, March 28, 2010
The Gift of Shabbos
Was out of town this weekend, visting (non-religious) family members who live very near an Orthodox community. Walked to a modern Orthdox shul Friday night. Ended up with an invitation to dinner at the rabbi's home.
What a treat and honor. If I can recall the lineup: the rabbi and rebbitzen, 9 children, a son-in-law, and 2 (?) grandchildren, plus us two guests. Much laughter, singing, delicious food, and and good-natured debate among the children in answering their father's questions about Jewish sages, Talmud, etc.
A large house, large family, and large amount of joy and love. Who needs weekend sports, TV, and shopping?
I was humbled once again by a Jewish family's enthusiasm for yiddishkeit and the earnest and strong desire to fulfill the mitzvah of welcoming strangers.
***
In the years that I belonged to a Conservative shul as a single adult, I never once saw the inside of another congregant's home. I don't hold a grudge; it just wasn't part of the culture. A few of them studied some Torah, but virtually none lived Torah.
In contrast, on my first weekend in my new frum community, I had to take rainchecks for the (too!) many offers of hospitality.
As the gabbai at my new minyan described it, "In the Orthdox world, we treat Shabbos as a gift from HaShem that we appreciate and share with others, and not as a burden and obligation that gets in the way of sports, shopping, and television."
I now know what Shabbat is really supposed to be.
What a treat and honor. If I can recall the lineup: the rabbi and rebbitzen, 9 children, a son-in-law, and 2 (?) grandchildren, plus us two guests. Much laughter, singing, delicious food, and and good-natured debate among the children in answering their father's questions about Jewish sages, Talmud, etc.
A large house, large family, and large amount of joy and love. Who needs weekend sports, TV, and shopping?
I was humbled once again by a Jewish family's enthusiasm for yiddishkeit and the earnest and strong desire to fulfill the mitzvah of welcoming strangers.
***
In the years that I belonged to a Conservative shul as a single adult, I never once saw the inside of another congregant's home. I don't hold a grudge; it just wasn't part of the culture. A few of them studied some Torah, but virtually none lived Torah.
In contrast, on my first weekend in my new frum community, I had to take rainchecks for the (too!) many offers of hospitality.
As the gabbai at my new minyan described it, "In the Orthdox world, we treat Shabbos as a gift from HaShem that we appreciate and share with others, and not as a burden and obligation that gets in the way of sports, shopping, and television."
I now know what Shabbat is really supposed to be.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The Cold Shower of Irony
Dinner tonight at the good but expensive local kosher restaurant.
A self-described Irish Catholic waitress there flirts with me every time I eat there, probably beyond the faux flirting required to upsell me and build the check average with appetizers, desserts and second glasses of beer and wine.
The waitress is attractive, funny and close to my age. I'm tempted to get to know her better . . .
. . . but the great irony of a shiksa flirting with me at a kosher restaurant dissuades me from doing so, like a cold shower would do.
So I choose Frumkeit over Yetzer Ra once more. I think I might be returning to the Good Boy whom I used to be when I was younger.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
A self-described Irish Catholic waitress there flirts with me every time I eat there, probably beyond the faux flirting required to upsell me and build the check average with appetizers, desserts and second glasses of beer and wine.
The waitress is attractive, funny and close to my age. I'm tempted to get to know her better . . .
. . . but the great irony of a shiksa flirting with me at a kosher restaurant dissuades me from doing so, like a cold shower would do.
So I choose Frumkeit over Yetzer Ra once more. I think I might be returning to the Good Boy whom I used to be when I was younger.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friends and Companions
Waiting to drive a new friend to the airport so he can visit his family for Pesach.
He's new to the community and to my shul. He will relocate his wife and kids here after the school year ends in their old community.
Nice guy. Likes live music as much as I do. Plays poker as badly as I do.
But I find myself a little reluctant to make close friends these days. My friends tend to marry, have children, and then have little time for me after that. Not that I begrudge them that.
If I'm lucky enough to meet somebody, I want to make a consistent place at our Shabbos table for singles, like a few people in my community have done for me.
I'm already making effort for other singles, helping to establishing some singles programming in my community, including a singles shabbaton.
I would like to spare others from being single as long as I've been.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
He's new to the community and to my shul. He will relocate his wife and kids here after the school year ends in their old community.
Nice guy. Likes live music as much as I do. Plays poker as badly as I do.
But I find myself a little reluctant to make close friends these days. My friends tend to marry, have children, and then have little time for me after that. Not that I begrudge them that.
If I'm lucky enough to meet somebody, I want to make a consistent place at our Shabbos table for singles, like a few people in my community have done for me.
I'm already making effort for other singles, helping to establishing some singles programming in my community, including a singles shabbaton.
I would like to spare others from being single as long as I've been.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The Rabbi's Secretary's Daughter
After graduation from college, I looked for an apartment near the new job that awaited me. Saw a Reform shul while searching, and stopped in. The rabbi was not in, but I asked his secretary for ideas on where a young single man in the area might look for an apartment.
She gave me some housing ideas, and said, “When you get settled into a new place, come to Friday night services some time. I want to introduce you to my daughter.”
I went back to that shul after moving into my new apartment and starting work. Didn't see the Rabbi's secretary that first Friday night, but I did see a very attractive woman about my age (the upside of mixed seating).
After services, the president of the shul invited everybody to his home for an open-house reception in a few weeks in order to welcome all the newcomers and prospective members in the community.
When I went to that reception, I saw that attractive women from shul. I introduced myself; her name was "Cindy". We chatted. We flirted. She evaluated my prospects. And she looked me over in a way not appropriate for a (now) frum guy to talk about.
Of course, she turned out the be that daughter of the rabbi's secretary.
A week later, Cindy and I started dating. We got along well, were very attracted to each other, we seemed to be seeking the same things, and her parents seemed to like me.
A recent college graduate herself, she lived at home with her parents, as her first job didn't pay quite enough yet for her to be out on her own. She seemed to be looking to meet a man to marry and with whom she could start a family and establish a household of her own. Perfect for me.
I wasn't feeling love quite yet, but over a few months of a date or two every week, I found myself developing affection for Cindy, and could see us soon starting to date seriously for a while and then getting engaged and then married.
At Rosh Hashanah dinner at her parent's home, I saw the family photos. Cindy was in another room, so I asked her sister about the guy with Cindy in one of the photos. I had assumed that he was a cousin.
Then Cindy's sister accidentally (?) let it slip that the guy in the picture was Cindy's boyfriend who was about a thousand miles away in graduate school. I guessed that Cindy's parents didn't like Mr. Graduate Student very much and thought that I was a better prospect and that's why Cindy's mother had wanted to introduce me to her oldest daughter.
When I talked to Cindy about this, she admitted to the other relationship but tried to explain that it wasn't serious because he was so far away.
I felt slightly betrayed. Not hurt, but just dinged a little more than the Amy Situation in college.
I continued to see Cindy for a few weeks more, but with much less interest and enthusiasm, intending to break things off completely in short order. I was not interested in helping her pass the time until her boyfriend finished his graduate studies. And I wasn't serious enough yet with Cindy that I wanted to ask her to end the relationship with the other guy.
I've always (tried) to avoid casual dating. Not always been successful. But I sure don't do it anymore. My dating has purpose once again.
***
I recently found out that a childhood friend of mine became a Hassid not long after he left for college. He is now a successful professional and a (very tired but) happily married father of eight frum children.
He lives Jewish values, passes them onto his children, and gives them the best possible chance to have and further pass on the kind of happiness and contentment that I have lacked for most of my adult life.
I pray every day to HaShem that such happiness and contentment still remain possible for me. I know happiness is a choice, and since my going on the derech over a year ago, I have chosen to be much happier while alone than I've been in the many years since my last serious relationship.
I'm trying to embrace the life that I didn't plan on. I pray that I can eventually be fulfilled by the life that HaShem plans for me, even if it's not the life that I have wanted.
Some new, close friends in my community have seen big changes in me in the last year. I can see those changes, too. They are convinced that I'll be married within a year.
That makes me smile.
She gave me some housing ideas, and said, “When you get settled into a new place, come to Friday night services some time. I want to introduce you to my daughter.”
I went back to that shul after moving into my new apartment and starting work. Didn't see the Rabbi's secretary that first Friday night, but I did see a very attractive woman about my age (the upside of mixed seating).
After services, the president of the shul invited everybody to his home for an open-house reception in a few weeks in order to welcome all the newcomers and prospective members in the community.
When I went to that reception, I saw that attractive women from shul. I introduced myself; her name was "Cindy". We chatted. We flirted. She evaluated my prospects. And she looked me over in a way not appropriate for a (now) frum guy to talk about.
Of course, she turned out the be that daughter of the rabbi's secretary.
A week later, Cindy and I started dating. We got along well, were very attracted to each other, we seemed to be seeking the same things, and her parents seemed to like me.
A recent college graduate herself, she lived at home with her parents, as her first job didn't pay quite enough yet for her to be out on her own. She seemed to be looking to meet a man to marry and with whom she could start a family and establish a household of her own. Perfect for me.
I wasn't feeling love quite yet, but over a few months of a date or two every week, I found myself developing affection for Cindy, and could see us soon starting to date seriously for a while and then getting engaged and then married.
At Rosh Hashanah dinner at her parent's home, I saw the family photos. Cindy was in another room, so I asked her sister about the guy with Cindy in one of the photos. I had assumed that he was a cousin.
Then Cindy's sister accidentally (?) let it slip that the guy in the picture was Cindy's boyfriend who was about a thousand miles away in graduate school. I guessed that Cindy's parents didn't like Mr. Graduate Student very much and thought that I was a better prospect and that's why Cindy's mother had wanted to introduce me to her oldest daughter.
When I talked to Cindy about this, she admitted to the other relationship but tried to explain that it wasn't serious because he was so far away.
I felt slightly betrayed. Not hurt, but just dinged a little more than the Amy Situation in college.
I continued to see Cindy for a few weeks more, but with much less interest and enthusiasm, intending to break things off completely in short order. I was not interested in helping her pass the time until her boyfriend finished his graduate studies. And I wasn't serious enough yet with Cindy that I wanted to ask her to end the relationship with the other guy.
I've always (tried) to avoid casual dating. Not always been successful. But I sure don't do it anymore. My dating has purpose once again.
***
I recently found out that a childhood friend of mine became a Hassid not long after he left for college. He is now a successful professional and a (very tired but) happily married father of eight frum children.
He lives Jewish values, passes them onto his children, and gives them the best possible chance to have and further pass on the kind of happiness and contentment that I have lacked for most of my adult life.
I pray every day to HaShem that such happiness and contentment still remain possible for me. I know happiness is a choice, and since my going on the derech over a year ago, I have chosen to be much happier while alone than I've been in the many years since my last serious relationship.
I'm trying to embrace the life that I didn't plan on. I pray that I can eventually be fulfilled by the life that HaShem plans for me, even if it's not the life that I have wanted.
Some new, close friends in my community have seen big changes in me in the last year. I can see those changes, too. They are convinced that I'll be married within a year.
That makes me smile.
We Clannish Jews
In my day job, I deal with customers and clients around the world by phone and by Internet, with little face time.
"Electric doughnuts", as the bond traders of Tom Wolfe's Bonfire of the Vanities call their faceless customers on the other end of the doughtnut-shaped round mouthpieces and earpieces of their telephone handsets.
There is something disembodied, lacking soul, and dehumanizing about doing business that way and living that way in modern suburban life. I never get to make or see my customers and clients happy.
Today, I realized that I found just the opposite as a consequence of my journey on the derech. In my orthodox Jewish community, I've made friends at all three shuls. They all know of my skills with computers because of our frequent conversations.
I've helped a number of them with their personal and work computers. For free. Because they are my friends and I know how frustrated I get when my computer doesn't do what I expect (I'm something of a computer maven).
I like helping them. To see their faces light up in joy when something works, or when they problem is solved and they can get their documents printed, computer viruses removed, Internet service restored, etc. gives me as much joy as seeing people enjoy my cooking.
When I belonged to a Conservative suburban shul, the congregants didn't want to get to know me well enough to figure out what I do for a living, my computer skills, my hobbies, or my interests. I was the oddball, the anomaly, the untouchable, because I was single.
And we were so spread out geographically because so many chose bigger and less expensive houses further from shul, since we could drive on Shabbos. It would never be practical to merely stop in around the corner to help out a friend. I never bumped into them outside of shul or in a restaurant or supermarket.
So I never got to be involved in their lives.
Recently, one of my new frum friends, Ted, saw me at shul. We chatted during Kiddush. He expressed to me his frustrations with his home computer configuration. So I volunteered to help him. He wanted to pay me since I was a computer industry professional, but I insisted on taking no compensation. He and his wife are lovely people and I wanted to help them out of friendship.
I stopped in on a Sunday morning, fixed his system in short order, and bonded with Ted. It was fun to make him so happy with his computer.
Today, he spotted me when I walked into a local kosher restaurant where he was eating. He ran up to greet me and insisted on buying my lunch and my joining his table. I was a slightly embarrassed by the generosity of his gesture; it's not like I saved a life. But he is such a warm guy, and naturally effusive and charming. He bought my lunch and I sat, ate, and talked with him, his wife, and a mutual friend and had a lovely time.
That simply never would have happened had I remained at my Conservative shul. Nobody would have talked to me, much less about their computer problems or about my computer skills. I would not have visited the same restaurants, because we didn't keep kosher. I couldn't just drive up the street to visit their home; I would have needed a GPS device to find the remote and dispersed residences of people who didn't walk to shul.
Being in a compact Orthodox community means that people see each other, visit each other, do business with each other, shop at the same places, walk to the same shuls, send their children to the same schools, and welcome everybody who commits to the same lifestyle, standards and values.
For me, that kind of connection makes up for the disconnectedness of suburban life and for what suburban living lacks for (non-frum) Jews.
***
As I finish this post, I am at a cafe drinking tea and listening (OK, eavesdropping) to the three women at the table next to me. My kippah sruga (knitted skullcap) prompted two of them to ask the third about the synagogues nearby, and why there were so many Jews, synagogues, Jewish schools, and kosher restaurants and supermarkets in the area.
The Jewish woman of the three then giggled self-consciously to the other two about how she was divorced from a Catholic man, how she grew up celebrating only a few Jewish holidays, and doesn't actually do anything Jewish in her life now, but she did manage to explain that observant Jews live close together near synagogues because they can't drive to synagogue on the Sabbath and "there are all these things they can't do on Fridays and Saturdays."
Forgive my "zealotry of the Baal Teshuvah", but I felt sorry for her. In my opinion, we frum Jews do more of the most valuable things that one can do on a day of rest. We do it with our true neighbors, in real neighborhoods. And during the week, that kind of proximity leads us to "Buy Local, Sell Local" figuratively and literally.
To me, that explains the reasons for the stereotype of Jews being "clannish." I wouldn't want it any other way at this point in my life.
"Electric doughnuts", as the bond traders of Tom Wolfe's Bonfire of the Vanities call their faceless customers on the other end of the doughtnut-shaped round mouthpieces and earpieces of their telephone handsets.
There is something disembodied, lacking soul, and dehumanizing about doing business that way and living that way in modern suburban life. I never get to make or see my customers and clients happy.
Today, I realized that I found just the opposite as a consequence of my journey on the derech. In my orthodox Jewish community, I've made friends at all three shuls. They all know of my skills with computers because of our frequent conversations.
I've helped a number of them with their personal and work computers. For free. Because they are my friends and I know how frustrated I get when my computer doesn't do what I expect (I'm something of a computer maven).
I like helping them. To see their faces light up in joy when something works, or when they problem is solved and they can get their documents printed, computer viruses removed, Internet service restored, etc. gives me as much joy as seeing people enjoy my cooking.
When I belonged to a Conservative suburban shul, the congregants didn't want to get to know me well enough to figure out what I do for a living, my computer skills, my hobbies, or my interests. I was the oddball, the anomaly, the untouchable, because I was single.
And we were so spread out geographically because so many chose bigger and less expensive houses further from shul, since we could drive on Shabbos. It would never be practical to merely stop in around the corner to help out a friend. I never bumped into them outside of shul or in a restaurant or supermarket.
So I never got to be involved in their lives.
Recently, one of my new frum friends, Ted, saw me at shul. We chatted during Kiddush. He expressed to me his frustrations with his home computer configuration. So I volunteered to help him. He wanted to pay me since I was a computer industry professional, but I insisted on taking no compensation. He and his wife are lovely people and I wanted to help them out of friendship.
I stopped in on a Sunday morning, fixed his system in short order, and bonded with Ted. It was fun to make him so happy with his computer.
Today, he spotted me when I walked into a local kosher restaurant where he was eating. He ran up to greet me and insisted on buying my lunch and my joining his table. I was a slightly embarrassed by the generosity of his gesture; it's not like I saved a life. But he is such a warm guy, and naturally effusive and charming. He bought my lunch and I sat, ate, and talked with him, his wife, and a mutual friend and had a lovely time.
That simply never would have happened had I remained at my Conservative shul. Nobody would have talked to me, much less about their computer problems or about my computer skills. I would not have visited the same restaurants, because we didn't keep kosher. I couldn't just drive up the street to visit their home; I would have needed a GPS device to find the remote and dispersed residences of people who didn't walk to shul.
Being in a compact Orthodox community means that people see each other, visit each other, do business with each other, shop at the same places, walk to the same shuls, send their children to the same schools, and welcome everybody who commits to the same lifestyle, standards and values.
For me, that kind of connection makes up for the disconnectedness of suburban life and for what suburban living lacks for (non-frum) Jews.
***
As I finish this post, I am at a cafe drinking tea and listening (OK, eavesdropping) to the three women at the table next to me. My kippah sruga (knitted skullcap) prompted two of them to ask the third about the synagogues nearby, and why there were so many Jews, synagogues, Jewish schools, and kosher restaurants and supermarkets in the area.
The Jewish woman of the three then giggled self-consciously to the other two about how she was divorced from a Catholic man, how she grew up celebrating only a few Jewish holidays, and doesn't actually do anything Jewish in her life now, but she did manage to explain that observant Jews live close together near synagogues because they can't drive to synagogue on the Sabbath and "there are all these things they can't do on Fridays and Saturdays."
Forgive my "zealotry of the Baal Teshuvah", but I felt sorry for her. In my opinion, we frum Jews do more of the most valuable things that one can do on a day of rest. We do it with our true neighbors, in real neighborhoods. And during the week, that kind of proximity leads us to "Buy Local, Sell Local" figuratively and literally.
To me, that explains the reasons for the stereotype of Jews being "clannish." I wouldn't want it any other way at this point in my life.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Amy and the "B" Word - Bashert? or Boyfriend?
In public high school, I didn't do much dating (read: almost zero). I played 3 sports, was on the Debate team, and was in honor classes, but I was still shy around girls. I covered it up by behaving in a reserved, serious, and mature manner.
I flirted with the Jewish girls in school and in local USY youth groups, and occasionally lusted after a shiksa or two. I assumed that the right relationship would eventually come my way just because it was supposed to.
Everybody in my immediate family, all my first cousins, and my aunts and uncles met their future spouses in high school, undergraduate school, or graduate school or immediately upon entering the working world. So I naively thought that the same would happen to me.
I flirted with the Jewish girls in school and in local USY youth groups, and occasionally lusted after a shiksa or two. I assumed that the right relationship would eventually come my way just because it was supposed to.
Everybody in my immediate family, all my first cousins, and my aunts and uncles met their future spouses in high school, undergraduate school, or graduate school or immediately upon entering the working world. So I naively thought that the same would happen to me.
Though I was not very religious, I was a good boy. I thought, like frum people do, that dating was to find a future spouse, not for casual relationships.
So, I went off to college. Met a pretty, smart, and witty Conservative Jewish girl from Teaneck, NJ in my very first class on my very first day of college. It must have been bashert, right?
Ms. Bashert (“Amy”) sat down right next to me in the only remaining seat in the mandatory freshman English Composition class. We hit it off immediately and spent the semester exchanging that NY/NJ wickedly funny sarcasm and repartee that we Jews from the northeastern US find so charming.
I wasn't planning on getting married anytime soon, but being an optimist, I appreciated the chemistry, connection, and communication, that we shared.
Emboldened by our easy communication, my growing self-confidence, and my ameliorating shyness, I eventually decided to ask her to get together outside of class, and not just for proof-reading each others' writing, as we sometimes did for each other. You know, a date.
I called her dorm room and began to lower her defenses with charming banter about our class, instructor, and classmates. I got around to asking her for a date for a concert in a few weeks.
She said “yes”, but a few days before the concert, it was canceled because of the performer's illness. [A bad omen, no?]
A few weeks later, Amy and I were walking together after class and I again asked her for a date. She said that she would love to get together . . .
… even though she had a boyfriend. At another university. A guy whom she had started dating in High School.
***
I hadn't understood how she had gone most of a semester without using the “B” word [boyfriend] in our conversations.
Ms. Bashert (“Amy”) sat down right next to me in the only remaining seat in the mandatory freshman English Composition class. We hit it off immediately and spent the semester exchanging that NY/NJ wickedly funny sarcasm and repartee that we Jews from the northeastern US find so charming.
I wasn't planning on getting married anytime soon, but being an optimist, I appreciated the chemistry, connection, and communication, that we shared.
Emboldened by our easy communication, my growing self-confidence, and my ameliorating shyness, I eventually decided to ask her to get together outside of class, and not just for proof-reading each others' writing, as we sometimes did for each other. You know, a date.
I called her dorm room and began to lower her defenses with charming banter about our class, instructor, and classmates. I got around to asking her for a date for a concert in a few weeks.
She said “yes”, but a few days before the concert, it was canceled because of the performer's illness. [A bad omen, no?]
A few weeks later, Amy and I were walking together after class and I again asked her for a date. She said that she would love to get together . . .
… even though she had a boyfriend. At another university. A guy whom she had started dating in High School.
***
I hadn't understood how she had gone most of a semester without using the “B” word [boyfriend] in our conversations.
So I put some distance between us for the rest of the semester. Undergraduate life went on and for the next four years, Amy and I never shared another class but we bumped into each other from time to time, went out to eat a few times as platonic friends, helped a common friend though a personal crisis, and lived on the same street off-campus for a while.
On the rare occasions that we did spend time together, she flirted with me, probably using me for attention that her long-distance boyfriend could not provide. And I enjoyed the flirting, even though I knew it wasn't going anywhere.
I didn't meet any other woman as interesting as Amy during the remainder of my college career. A few I was attracted to, a few others were attracted to me, but with none enough connection to intrigue me.
My junior year, I did meet and get to know a lovely and intelligent Jewish woman who was in some of my classes and in the same major. She was stuck at school for Passover instead of going home that year, as was I, so I shared with her some of the kosher-for-Passover food that my mother had sent me. She was very grateful. Later in the semester, when I started to flirt with her, she (thankfully) told me right away that she had a boyfriend in Pittsburgh.
Are you beginning to see a pattern?
Next woman in the batting order: The Rabbi's Secretary's Daughter
On the rare occasions that we did spend time together, she flirted with me, probably using me for attention that her long-distance boyfriend could not provide. And I enjoyed the flirting, even though I knew it wasn't going anywhere.
I didn't meet any other woman as interesting as Amy during the remainder of my college career. A few I was attracted to, a few others were attracted to me, but with none enough connection to intrigue me.
My junior year, I did meet and get to know a lovely and intelligent Jewish woman who was in some of my classes and in the same major. She was stuck at school for Passover instead of going home that year, as was I, so I shared with her some of the kosher-for-Passover food that my mother had sent me. She was very grateful. Later in the semester, when I started to flirt with her, she (thankfully) told me right away that she had a boyfriend in Pittsburgh.
Are you beginning to see a pattern?
Next woman in the batting order: The Rabbi's Secretary's Daughter
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Dirty Dancing at My Shul?
While waiting for Mincha minyan to start, a long-time member of my new shul told the story of how some changes to shul policy were made.
It seems that for many decades a long time ago, my shul allowed mixed dancing. The current rabbi, when he arrived some 25 years ago, gently suggested a change in policy to prohibit mixed dancing. It created some heated debate amongst the board members, goes the story.
Ultimately, a policy compromise was adopted to prohibit mixed dancing at shul-sponsored events, but private functions for which the social hall was rented could have mixed dancing.
That story made me realize how far I've come. I'm now ambivalent about mixed dancing in general, but I kind of like that it's not part of frumkeit. I still appreciate the athleticism and beauty of classic and modern forms of dance, but I also see how mixed dancing is related to yetzer ra.
***
When I was a young(er) non-observant Jew in the Conservative movement, I sometimes went out with dates and friends for mixed dancing at night clubs. It was a lot of fun, I admit. But it was very wrong in some ways, as I now see, and not the most productive use of time if one is seriously dating for marriage, as opposed to just having "fun".
Going along with some aspects of pop culture was what I did then, including "Dirty Dancing". I never used drugs, not even once. I tried to avoid casual relationships with women, but I did consume some adult beverages from time to time.
Having inhibitions lowered by alcohol and by primal beat of pop music did indulge my yetzer ra to some degree. I wasn't dating anybody seriously, so it didn't matter, right?
Looking back, the quality of my life and the amount of fun I've had would have been no less had I avoided mixed dancing. I simply would have had different fun.
I had not been acting like the young gentleman I had been raised to be, the serious and "good" boy whom I was when I first got out of college. I had internalized the popular culture values and moved away from the values I was raised with, the values to which I would eventually return as a FortyFrumThing.
The people around me then knew me as a nice guy who could "let his hair down" once in a while without any intent of doing ill. But it was wrong to allow myself to be tempted by yetzer ra. I just didn't know it at the time, because tznius, shomer negiah, and frumkeit were unknown to me.
***
Nu, I'm glad that there are standards in my new community that are stricter than those manifested in popular culture. Those standards have helped me rediscover the Good Boy that I used to be.
It seems that for many decades a long time ago, my shul allowed mixed dancing. The current rabbi, when he arrived some 25 years ago, gently suggested a change in policy to prohibit mixed dancing. It created some heated debate amongst the board members, goes the story.
Ultimately, a policy compromise was adopted to prohibit mixed dancing at shul-sponsored events, but private functions for which the social hall was rented could have mixed dancing.
That story made me realize how far I've come. I'm now ambivalent about mixed dancing in general, but I kind of like that it's not part of frumkeit. I still appreciate the athleticism and beauty of classic and modern forms of dance, but I also see how mixed dancing is related to yetzer ra.
***
When I was a young(er) non-observant Jew in the Conservative movement, I sometimes went out with dates and friends for mixed dancing at night clubs. It was a lot of fun, I admit. But it was very wrong in some ways, as I now see, and not the most productive use of time if one is seriously dating for marriage, as opposed to just having "fun".
Going along with some aspects of pop culture was what I did then, including "Dirty Dancing". I never used drugs, not even once. I tried to avoid casual relationships with women, but I did consume some adult beverages from time to time.
Having inhibitions lowered by alcohol and by primal beat of pop music did indulge my yetzer ra to some degree. I wasn't dating anybody seriously, so it didn't matter, right?
Looking back, the quality of my life and the amount of fun I've had would have been no less had I avoided mixed dancing. I simply would have had different fun.
I had not been acting like the young gentleman I had been raised to be, the serious and "good" boy whom I was when I first got out of college. I had internalized the popular culture values and moved away from the values I was raised with, the values to which I would eventually return as a FortyFrumThing.
The people around me then knew me as a nice guy who could "let his hair down" once in a while without any intent of doing ill. But it was wrong to allow myself to be tempted by yetzer ra. I just didn't know it at the time, because tznius, shomer negiah, and frumkeit were unknown to me.
***
Nu, I'm glad that there are standards in my new community that are stricter than those manifested in popular culture. Those standards have helped me rediscover the Good Boy that I used to be.
New Phrasing = New Framing
Made a phone call tonight to a single frum woman in another state who was suggested to me by a dear friend in my community.
We had a nice conversation and we plan to chat again soon. But I wanted to write about the golden nugget that she gave me tonight. She said that "disappointments are HaShem's opportunities for us to learn how to better our lives.
***
A seemingly trivial change in phrasing makes a huge difference in re-framing one's view of life.
Last summer, a wonderful rabbi asked me how my new journey on the derech was going.
It had been a rough week. Work was not great, I was less than thrilled with my social life. And I was wondering why I had become religious (i.e. questioning my decision).
I told that rabbi that I was experiencing a bit of "crisis of faith".
He responded, "Would it be better to describe it as an opportunity to strengthen your faith?"
I was dumbstruck by his reframing of my doubts. I realized right then and there that the power to change our lives to better fulfill HaShem's plan for me lay within us.
***
I'm headed for Refuah Shelemah, and I wish the same for everybody else.
Shavoua Tov
We had a nice conversation and we plan to chat again soon. But I wanted to write about the golden nugget that she gave me tonight. She said that "disappointments are HaShem's opportunities for us to learn how to better our lives.
***
A seemingly trivial change in phrasing makes a huge difference in re-framing one's view of life.
Last summer, a wonderful rabbi asked me how my new journey on the derech was going.
It had been a rough week. Work was not great, I was less than thrilled with my social life. And I was wondering why I had become religious (i.e. questioning my decision).
I told that rabbi that I was experiencing a bit of "crisis of faith".
He responded, "Would it be better to describe it as an opportunity to strengthen your faith?"
I was dumbstruck by his reframing of my doubts. I realized right then and there that the power to change our lives to better fulfill HaShem's plan for me lay within us.
***
I'm headed for Refuah Shelemah, and I wish the same for everybody else.
Shavoua Tov
My Start in Frum Dating
Nu, big step for me here. Ready to start blogging on my interactions with specific women
Won't use real names or initials, maybe just fake names or numbers, in order to avoid LH.
#1 was a shidduch attempt just a month after I joined my community, by a wonderful married woman in my community. Her "best friend" was divorced for a while, a couple years older than I am, with one teen and one child out of the house, if I recall correctly.
I called just 24 hours after being given the phone number. No answer, left a voice mail.
A few weeks of telephone tag and we finally connected live.
Had a nice chat until I suggested meeting for coffee. She couldn't because:
1) She was very busy at work
2) She was very busy getting her daughter ready for summer camp
3) She was very tired lately from 1) and 2)
4) She was doing a lot of dating lately and wanted to take a break.
[If all those things were a problem, why had she agreed to her friend's suggestion to take my call?]
I nonchalantly said that I was sorry that the timing wasn't good, and that if things changed I would be happy to hear from her again.
She seemed sincere when she gave a "promise to call when things slow down" and that she "really will call then".
10 months later, I still haven't heard from her. The intermediary has never mentioned her name again to me, and has never inquired as to how things worked out. I'm too polite to ask "what happened to your friend?"
This is another example of the thoughtless shidduch that I previously wrote about. No thought given, in this case, to readiness to date.
***
So when you try to make a shidduch, some thought should be given to good timing.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Won't use real names or initials, maybe just fake names or numbers, in order to avoid LH.
#1 was a shidduch attempt just a month after I joined my community, by a wonderful married woman in my community. Her "best friend" was divorced for a while, a couple years older than I am, with one teen and one child out of the house, if I recall correctly.
I called just 24 hours after being given the phone number. No answer, left a voice mail.
A few weeks of telephone tag and we finally connected live.
Had a nice chat until I suggested meeting for coffee. She couldn't because:
1) She was very busy at work
2) She was very busy getting her daughter ready for summer camp
3) She was very tired lately from 1) and 2)
4) She was doing a lot of dating lately and wanted to take a break.
[If all those things were a problem, why had she agreed to her friend's suggestion to take my call?]
I nonchalantly said that I was sorry that the timing wasn't good, and that if things changed I would be happy to hear from her again.
She seemed sincere when she gave a "promise to call when things slow down" and that she "really will call then".
10 months later, I still haven't heard from her. The intermediary has never mentioned her name again to me, and has never inquired as to how things worked out. I'm too polite to ask "what happened to your friend?"
This is another example of the thoughtless shidduch that I previously wrote about. No thought given, in this case, to readiness to date.
***
So when you try to make a shidduch, some thought should be given to good timing.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Values Taught by Example
About to make shacharit minyan at a shiva house. Few things are as important in a community.
When I was a boy and Dad was president of our Conservative shul, we made every shiva call that we could. My immediate family might not have been ritually observant but we made time for people who had suffered a loss.
I learned that particular Jewish value not from Talmud Torah but from the example set by my parents.
Boker tov.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
When I was a boy and Dad was president of our Conservative shul, we made every shiva call that we could. My immediate family might not have been ritually observant but we made time for people who had suffered a loss.
I learned that particular Jewish value not from Talmud Torah but from the example set by my parents.
Boker tov.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Young and Old; Day and Night
Bad for Shidduchim has an interesting post that *does* at least make some points in favor of old(er) guys like me.
I've made some wonderful friends in my community who are mid-fifties and have children ranging from 3 to 6 years of age.
They and their wives seem convinced that I will be married in about a year or so. The lift I get from their words during our Shabbos meals together is an extra blessing for me.
I've made some wonderful friends in my community who are mid-fifties and have children ranging from 3 to 6 years of age.
They and their wives seem convinced that I will be married in about a year or so. The lift I get from their words during our Shabbos meals together is an extra blessing for me.
Decoding "Cute" in shidduchim
As a follow-up my post on The Thoughtless Shidduch, this should resonate with a few people:
"Singletons want to pounce on new prey and don’t have much patience when it comes to meeting their beshert. So take note: When you have a set-up in mind, be ready to facilitate the connection and don’t say 'cute' " - Decoding "Cute" from the Jerusalem Post
"Singletons want to pounce on new prey and don’t have much patience when it comes to meeting their beshert. So take note: When you have a set-up in mind, be ready to facilitate the connection and don’t say 'cute' " - Decoding "Cute" from the Jerusalem Post
If a Tree Falls in the Forest...
If a tree falls in the forest then does anybody hear it? If my life does not make a difference and lasting impact then does my life matter?
I am often complimented on my mentschkeit, my delving into frum life without benefit of a family of my own, and my potential as husband and father. Sounds like something to be proud of, right?
But such compliments create a cognitive dissonance in my mind. If I have such wonderful middos then why don't I have the things in my life that would be evidence and manifestaions of those middos? My emunah is not yet strong enough for me to totally accept HaShem has a plan for me. It would be easier if I knew the details of that plan for me.
***
I attended a shiur during which the rabbi said that to focus on what we don't have is an affront to HaShem because it keeps us from feeling grateful for what he has already given us.
That shiur helped me better appreciate what I do have. But I have a visceral sensation that something is still missing.
I hope that everybody can feel appreciated and important in a way that means something to them.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I am often complimented on my mentschkeit, my delving into frum life without benefit of a family of my own, and my potential as husband and father. Sounds like something to be proud of, right?
But such compliments create a cognitive dissonance in my mind. If I have such wonderful middos then why don't I have the things in my life that would be evidence and manifestaions of those middos? My emunah is not yet strong enough for me to totally accept HaShem has a plan for me. It would be easier if I knew the details of that plan for me.
***
I attended a shiur during which the rabbi said that to focus on what we don't have is an affront to HaShem because it keeps us from feeling grateful for what he has already given us.
That shiur helped me better appreciate what I do have. But I have a visceral sensation that something is still missing.
I hope that everybody can feel appreciated and important in a way that means something to them.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Self-limits on Appearing in Public as a Jew
Just got back from a great movie. Dark, brooding, portrayals of much violence, some nudity, some foul language. Those things did not make the movie great, but added to the mood. Great story, dialog, acting, symbolism.
And Rated "R".
I did not wear my kippa into the theater. I felt uncomfortable being visible as an frum Jew being seen going in to see such a movie. I was worried about Chillul Hashem.
I have come to greatly appreciate films that make me think. Foreign films, indies, anything but mainstream Hollywood dreck.
But the films worth my time are often not appropriate for religious people who strive to live by and inculcate morals in not reflected in popular culture.
I can't give them up (perhaps more accurate to say that I don't want to give them up). I'm probably inured and desensitized to the bad content, but the edgy, controversial films are the ones that are worth my time.
But if they don't affect my morals or religious observance because I'm used to the "bad" content, should I give them up? Or should I just not wear my kippa and tzitzit when I see them? Or should I proudly go in full-Jew mode to the theater?
Or does the content affect me in ways that I can't see?
I'm happy to hear the opinions of others. If I ask my Rabbi, maybe I'll remember to post a follow-up.
And Rated "R".
I did not wear my kippa into the theater. I felt uncomfortable being visible as an frum Jew being seen going in to see such a movie. I was worried about Chillul Hashem.
I have come to greatly appreciate films that make me think. Foreign films, indies, anything but mainstream Hollywood dreck.
But the films worth my time are often not appropriate for religious people who strive to live by and inculcate morals in not reflected in popular culture.
I can't give them up (perhaps more accurate to say that I don't want to give them up). I'm probably inured and desensitized to the bad content, but the edgy, controversial films are the ones that are worth my time.
But if they don't affect my morals or religious observance because I'm used to the "bad" content, should I give them up? Or should I just not wear my kippa and tzitzit when I see them? Or should I proudly go in full-Jew mode to the theater?
Or does the content affect me in ways that I can't see?
I'm happy to hear the opinions of others. If I ask my Rabbi, maybe I'll remember to post a follow-up.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The Making of a Frumster (part one)
My journey towards observance began, of all places, at a Reform shul 15 years ago.
I was a not-so-observant member of the Conservative movement, attending a Jewish singles event sponsored by a prominent Reform shul. The event was not exclusively for Reform movement members, and I valued any Jewish group, activity, or movement that worked to keep Jews attached to Judaism in some way.
At the event, staffed by an assistant rabbi from the shul, pepperoni pizza (!!!) was served. I was shocked, as was a friend of mine who grew up attending that Reform shul.
I didn't keep kosher at the time. But I respected those who did and understood the need for kosher food at Jewish community events.
I was greatly unnerved by what I considered to be naked contempt for Jewish tradition and for traditional Jews displayed by this Reform shul.
I had never studied Reform history and theology, assuming ignorantly that it was just a "lite" version of Conservative Judaism. So the burning bush of pepperoni pizza sent me to study the history and theology of the different movements of Judaism. I found out that Conservative Judaism, in which I was raised, was a rightward reaction to Reform's abandonment of Jewish tradition, ritual, and norms.
I started to wonder: What is Judaism without its rituals and laws? If Torah, Talmud, and Halkakah are "not relevant" to the modern world, then what makes Judaism different from other belief systems? If it's just a bunch of Hallmark holidays associated with special foods and department store sales, then why be Jewish (and thus different from the goyim) if the only things that separate Jews from non-Jews are symbolic, arbitrary, and devoid of unique and significant meaning?
Thus began my slow journey from "Pickle Judaism" (what political pollster and fellow yid Mark Mellman labeled as a cultural "religion" of deli food and seasonal alternatives to Christian holidays when I chatted with him at an airport) and towards Torah.
Though I had not been terribly observant or certain of G-d's existence when Mellman used that phrase with me, I was so repulsed by Pepperoni Theology, despite my respect for so many Reform Jews committed to their Jewish identity and to Israel, that I was sent back in the other direction.
I could no longer respect Reform Judaism as a Jewish movement. It wasn't just alien to what I thought and felt about Judaism, it was also openly hostile to those things make living a Jewish life different from living a non-Jewish life.
Wasn't I hypocritical? I wasn't shomer mitzvot.
But I at least felt guilty about not keeping kosher and Shabbos. :)
***
I had always vaguely felt that I would become more religious when I got married and had children, so I could give them the Jewish education and practice that I hadn't had. It was just a matter of time, it seemed, so I began putting even more distance between myself and Our Lady of Pepperoni Pizza Congregation and the movement of which it was a part.
A future posting on my movement towards orthodoxy will try to answer the question: Did I reject Conservative Judaism, or did it reject me?
I was a not-so-observant member of the Conservative movement, attending a Jewish singles event sponsored by a prominent Reform shul. The event was not exclusively for Reform movement members, and I valued any Jewish group, activity, or movement that worked to keep Jews attached to Judaism in some way.
At the event, staffed by an assistant rabbi from the shul, pepperoni pizza (!!!) was served. I was shocked, as was a friend of mine who grew up attending that Reform shul.
I didn't keep kosher at the time. But I respected those who did and understood the need for kosher food at Jewish community events.
I was greatly unnerved by what I considered to be naked contempt for Jewish tradition and for traditional Jews displayed by this Reform shul.
I had never studied Reform history and theology, assuming ignorantly that it was just a "lite" version of Conservative Judaism. So the burning bush of pepperoni pizza sent me to study the history and theology of the different movements of Judaism. I found out that Conservative Judaism, in which I was raised, was a rightward reaction to Reform's abandonment of Jewish tradition, ritual, and norms.
I started to wonder: What is Judaism without its rituals and laws? If Torah, Talmud, and Halkakah are "not relevant" to the modern world, then what makes Judaism different from other belief systems? If it's just a bunch of Hallmark holidays associated with special foods and department store sales, then why be Jewish (and thus different from the goyim) if the only things that separate Jews from non-Jews are symbolic, arbitrary, and devoid of unique and significant meaning?
Thus began my slow journey from "Pickle Judaism" (what political pollster and fellow yid Mark Mellman labeled as a cultural "religion" of deli food and seasonal alternatives to Christian holidays when I chatted with him at an airport) and towards Torah.
Though I had not been terribly observant or certain of G-d's existence when Mellman used that phrase with me, I was so repulsed by Pepperoni Theology, despite my respect for so many Reform Jews committed to their Jewish identity and to Israel, that I was sent back in the other direction.
I could no longer respect Reform Judaism as a Jewish movement. It wasn't just alien to what I thought and felt about Judaism, it was also openly hostile to those things make living a Jewish life different from living a non-Jewish life.
Wasn't I hypocritical? I wasn't shomer mitzvot.
But I at least felt guilty about not keeping kosher and Shabbos. :)
***
I had always vaguely felt that I would become more religious when I got married and had children, so I could give them the Jewish education and practice that I hadn't had. It was just a matter of time, it seemed, so I began putting even more distance between myself and Our Lady of Pepperoni Pizza Congregation and the movement of which it was a part.
A future posting on my movement towards orthodoxy will try to answer the question: Did I reject Conservative Judaism, or did it reject me?
Sunday, March 7, 2010
How Sexy Are Tzitzit?
Shavoua tov! Went out to a party hosted by non-frum people after motzei shabbos last night. Had my kippa on and tzitzit hanging out. A woman told me that observant Jewish women find this sexy. Other than proximity of hanging tzitzit to my gotchkes and tuchis, is this true?
If so, why?
Discuss!
If so, why?
Discuss!
Friday, March 5, 2010
Bye-Bye-By-Text-Message
Third post of the day. Just got a text message from a divorced Modern Orthodox woman with whom I have been corresponding and phoning, in anticipation of meeting. Connected via Jdate.
"Hi, sorry I missed your call last night. I think you are a super nice guy but I've decided to get back together with my ex."
I'm tempted to write back, "Ex-boyfriend? Or ex-husband?"
Humorous replies to her text are hereby solicited.
"Hi, sorry I missed your call last night. I think you are a super nice guy but I've decided to get back together with my ex."
I'm tempted to write back, "Ex-boyfriend? Or ex-husband?"
Humorous replies to her text are hereby solicited.
There Will Be No More Lonely People
Second post of the day. Read something that touched me. Gratitude by an (even) older guy for the wonderful young people who have made him a part of their lives.
It touched me because I see a parallel to my own life and the wonderful community into which I've been welcomed.
There Will Be No More Lonely People
***
I remember when one of my grandparents died. What was nominally an observance of shiva seemed to me to be more like a cocktail party than house of mourning. It wasn't for me to tell my family how to mourn, so I took a walk from the house after the funeral to get away from activity and atmosphere that made me uncomfortable.
As a result, I'm thinking of getting involved with the local Chevra Kadisha. I may need its services for myself someday. The young frum people in my community will certainly know what I would want if I'm still living here when it's my time.
Shabbat Shalom
It touched me because I see a parallel to my own life and the wonderful community into which I've been welcomed.
There Will Be No More Lonely People
***
I remember when one of my grandparents died. What was nominally an observance of shiva seemed to me to be more like a cocktail party than house of mourning. It wasn't for me to tell my family how to mourn, so I took a walk from the house after the funeral to get away from activity and atmosphere that made me uncomfortable.
As a result, I'm thinking of getting involved with the local Chevra Kadisha. I may need its services for myself someday. The young frum people in my community will certainly know what I would want if I'm still living here when it's my time.
Shabbat Shalom
Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics
Recently talking with a rabbi. He asked about my social life since I became BT. I told him some of the, uh, problems, of dating as a FortyFrumThing.
My married friends seem surprised that singles are sometimes less than truthful about themselves.
On Jewish dating web sites? Via shadchanim? Approval for misrepresentations by rabbis? You bet.
Age: The most common problem.
A friend in NJ tells me that it's standard Jdate protocol in the NYC metropolitan area to confess to "real age" on a first meeting via Jdate.
So here's my formula for estimating actual age: add at least one year to the publicly stated age for each decade of life. :)
30s? Add 3 years, 50s? Add 5. That probably resolves to something in neighborhood of the actual age.
Marital Status: "Divorced" does not mean "has a get but no civil divorce". A woman might be halakhically single, but is not free to remarry [in the U.S.] without a civil divorce.
Based on my experience in dating divorced women, I suspect that it takes time and some self-growth after a civil divorce decree in order to move past the emotional hurdle of settlement of marital matters such as asset division, child custody, support payments, etc. and thus facing up to a major disappointment in life.
Then, a recently divorced person should spend some time reflecting objectively on the marriage, understanding one's needs and wants, and learning how to trust one's judgment again.
It's no fun to be the rebound guy (or gal).
***
Sometimes schadchanim unintentionally contribute to the problem. They don't know or reveal things that one might not think to ask, such as "How often has she been divorced?" or "Is she spooked that I share a first name with a man who previously hurt her?" or "Does she spend more time with her therapist than on dating?"
And rabbis may be encouraging the problem. More than a few rabbis have admitted to having told women to fudge their age because of the (incorrect) view that *all* men want to meet only much younger women.
***
The ideal woman for me is fully grown, self-confident, self-actualized, and quietly self-confident about who she is and where she is in life. She would hopefully have no reason to misrepresent her situation.
When I became observant, I hoped that I would meet women who were guided by Torah values and thus motivated to not lie. I fully admit that I was ignorantly naive. It turns out that human nature is the same for religious and non-religious people. :)
Before I became frum, I was getting a bit weary of meeting women who are not quite ready to date.
I guess it's true that there is "No rest for the weary"
My married friends seem surprised that singles are sometimes less than truthful about themselves.
On Jewish dating web sites? Via shadchanim? Approval for misrepresentations by rabbis? You bet.
Age: The most common problem.
A friend in NJ tells me that it's standard Jdate protocol in the NYC metropolitan area to confess to "real age" on a first meeting via Jdate.
So here's my formula for estimating actual age: add at least one year to the publicly stated age for each decade of life. :)
30s? Add 3 years, 50s? Add 5. That probably resolves to something in neighborhood of the actual age.
Marital Status: "Divorced" does not mean "has a get but no civil divorce". A woman might be halakhically single, but is not free to remarry [in the U.S.] without a civil divorce.
Frumster.com requires that a previously married Frumster member must have both a get and civil divorce to join ( http://www.frumster.com/faq.php? ).
Yet, two of the three women whom I've met via Frumster.com have mis-stated their marital status (each had a get but no civil divorce).
Yet, two of the three women whom I've met via Frumster.com have mis-stated their marital status (each had a get but no civil divorce).
The two women in question are attractive, intelligent, ambitious, and kind. I would be happy to get to know either of them better, but only after they have settled their civil divorce matters.
Based on my experience in dating divorced women, I suspect that it takes time and some self-growth after a civil divorce decree in order to move past the emotional hurdle of settlement of marital matters such as asset division, child custody, support payments, etc. and thus facing up to a major disappointment in life.
Then, a recently divorced person should spend some time reflecting objectively on the marriage, understanding one's needs and wants, and learning how to trust one's judgment again.
It's no fun to be the rebound guy (or gal).
***
Sometimes schadchanim unintentionally contribute to the problem. They don't know or reveal things that one might not think to ask, such as "How often has she been divorced?" or "Is she spooked that I share a first name with a man who previously hurt her?" or "Does she spend more time with her therapist than on dating?"
And rabbis may be encouraging the problem. More than a few rabbis have admitted to having told women to fudge their age because of the (incorrect) view that *all* men want to meet only much younger women.
***
The ideal woman for me is fully grown, self-confident, self-actualized, and quietly self-confident about who she is and where she is in life. She would hopefully have no reason to misrepresent her situation.
When I became observant, I hoped that I would meet women who were guided by Torah values and thus motivated to not lie. I fully admit that I was ignorantly naive. It turns out that human nature is the same for religious and non-religious people. :)
Before I became frum, I was getting a bit weary of meeting women who are not quite ready to date.
I guess it's true that there is "No rest for the weary"
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The Thoughtless Shidduch
I appreciate shidduchim. I've made four (4!!! out of 6 attempts) myself, all resulting in marriages and children, so I'm guaranteed a place in heaven. But I would rather be guaranteed a place under the chuppah.
I've been the target of some kind but not-terribly-thoughtful offers to be set up that I've received since I went on the derech. Many wonderful people in the modern Orthodox community, who have been married so long that they don't recall what it's like to date, seem to think that, "He's single. She's single. It must be a match!"
Thought is rarely given to compatibility of personality and social skills. I can talk with almost anybody about almost anything; I listen, and ask questions and usually get women to open up. If I can't, then the problem is probably not me.
And then there's hashkafa. Many well-meaning people in my frum community encourage me to date women in the Conservative and Reform movements (who do not keep kosher or shabbos) or women who are totally secular. I'm open to future converts and future Baalei Teshuva but odds are that I'm not likely to make a connection with them when basics like Shabbos observance and kashrut are seen as odd and limiting by non-frum people.
***
At least my married male friends try to exert veto power over their wives' bad suggestions. But they inevitably defer to their wives with "It's worth a chance, you never know."
Please, everybody, keep in mind that every disappointing date and shidduch attempt takes a toll on a single person, so put a little thought into it.
And do everything you can to make your own marriages work. You don't want to be "out there". Trust me on that.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Forty-something and Frum
First blog post. SJM, newly frum (observant). In my forties. Never married (not my fault, but that's another post... or many more posts, so stay tuned). No children.
Wanted to provide opportunity for people to read my story as I travel on the derech, get some comments and feedback, and find an outlet for things that I can't easily say to either my not-so-observant family or my new frum community.
Nu... was reading up today on the more liberal wing of modern Orthodox Judaism a la YCT and the more or less centrist wing represented by RIETS. I'm too new to Orthodoxy (having been raised in a Conservative family not observant of shabbos or kashrut) to have a strong opinion on this or to decide how I trend.
I'm very aware that people with an agenda can find or derive obscure halakhic reasoning to rationalize many things that they have already decided on, even if "we don't posken that way" in the majority of the time. So I understand the criticism of "Open Orthodoxy" (and YCT which may be guilty only by association).
And I'm also bothered by the sometimes automatically reactionary view in centrist (never mind more machmir) Orthodoxy of new ideas for which there appear to be no explicit halakhic prohibitions.
So far, most of the criticisms of more liberal interpretations of halakha that I've personally heard and read have come from laypeople, not from the rabbinate. None of rabbis whom I've personally encountered in the frum world will criticize each other directly or "throw snowballs at each other" (as a friend joked they might like to do, during a recent big snowstorm).
I like the way things seem to be (at least on the surface) in my community: live and let live. Multiple shuls, learning and outreach centers, a community kollel, etc., with different hashkafot. The rabbis all have different yet complementary skills, personalities, and perspectives. Yet all the community members pull together for each other. They have to because they have children in the same schools, are often mishpachah to each other, and share resources in many ways for learning, mikveh, simchas, shabbatons, etc.
It's very new to me, and I have much to learn. But I like being part of traditional Jewish community, especially this community.
"Success is the best revenge", and it sure seems to me that frum communities are the most successful at transmitting Torah, Torah values, Jewish tradition, and ensuring Jewish continuity. I want to be part of that success.
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