Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics

Recently talking with a rabbi. He asked about my social life since I became BT. I told him some of the, uh, problems, of dating as a FortyFrumThing.

My married friends seem surprised that singles are sometimes less than truthful about themselves.

On Jewish dating web sites? Via shadchanim? Approval for misrepresentations by rabbis? You bet.

Age: The most common problem.

A friend in NJ tells me that it's standard Jdate protocol in the NYC metropolitan area to confess to "real age" on a first meeting via Jdate.

So here's my formula for estimating actual age: add at least one year to the publicly stated age for each decade of life. :)

30s? Add 3 years, 50s? Add 5. That probably resolves to something in neighborhood of the actual age.

Marital Status: "Divorced" does not mean "has a get but no civil divorce". A woman might be halakhically single, but is not free to remarry [in the U.S.] without a civil divorce.

Frumster.com requires that a previously married Frumster member must have both a get and civil divorce to join ( http://www.frumster.com/faq.php? ).

Yet, two of the three women whom I've met via Frumster.com have mis-stated their marital status (each had a get but no civil divorce).

The two women in question are attractive, intelligent, ambitious, and kind. I would be happy to get to know either of them better, but only after they have settled their civil divorce matters.

Based on my experience in dating divorced women, I suspect that it takes time and some self-growth after a civil divorce decree in order to move past the emotional hurdle of settlement of marital matters such as asset division, child custody, support payments, etc. and thus facing up to a major disappointment in life.

Then, a recently divorced person should spend some time reflecting objectively on the marriage, understanding one's needs and wants, and learning how to trust one's judgment again.

It's no fun to be the rebound guy (or gal).

***

Sometimes schadchanim unintentionally contribute to the problem. They don't know or reveal things that one might not think to ask, such as "How often has she been divorced?" or "Is she spooked that I share a first name with a man who previously hurt her?" or "Does she spend more time with her therapist than on dating?"

And rabbis may be encouraging the problem. More than a few rabbis have admitted to having told women to fudge their age because of the (incorrect) view that *all* men want to meet only much younger women.

***

The ideal woman for me is fully grown, self-confident, self-actualized, and quietly self-confident about who she is and where she is in life. She would hopefully have no reason to misrepresent her situation.

When I became observant, I hoped that I would meet women who were guided by Torah values and thus motivated to not lie. I fully admit that I was ignorantly naive. It turns out that human nature is the same for religious and non-religious people. :)

Before I became frum, I was getting a bit weary of meeting women who are not quite ready to date.

I guess it's true that there is "No rest for the weary"