The Rabbi's Secretary's Daughter

After graduation from college, I looked for an apartment near the new job that awaited me. Saw a Reform shul while searching, and stopped in. The rabbi was not in, but I asked his secretary for ideas on where a young single man in the area might look for an apartment.

She gave me some housing ideas, and said, “When you get settled into a new place, come to Friday night services some time. I want to introduce you to my daughter.”

I went back to that shul after moving into my new apartment and starting work. Didn't see the Rabbi's secretary that first Friday night, but I did see a very attractive woman about my age (the upside of mixed seating).

After services, the president of the shul invited everybody to his home for an open-house reception in a few weeks in order to welcome all the newcomers and prospective members in the community.

When I went to that reception, I saw that attractive women from shul. I introduced myself; her name was "Cindy". We chatted. We flirted. She evaluated my prospects. And she looked me over in a way not appropriate for a (now) frum guy to talk about.

Of course, she turned out the be that daughter of the rabbi's secretary.

A week later, Cindy and I started dating. We got along well, were very attracted to each other, we seemed to be seeking the same things, and her parents seemed to like me.

A recent college graduate herself, she lived at home with her parents, as her first job didn't pay quite enough yet for her to be out on her own. She seemed to be looking to meet a man to marry and with whom she could start a family and establish a household of her own. Perfect for me.

I wasn't feeling love quite yet, but over a few months of a date or two every week, I found myself developing affection for Cindy, and could see us soon starting to date seriously for a while and then getting engaged and then married.

At Rosh Hashanah dinner at her parent's home, I saw the family photos. Cindy was in another room, so I asked her sister about the guy with Cindy in one of the photos. I had assumed that he was a cousin.

Then Cindy's sister accidentally (?) let it slip that the guy in the picture was Cindy's boyfriend who was about a thousand miles away in graduate school. I guessed that Cindy's parents didn't like Mr. Graduate Student very much and thought that I was a better prospect and that's why Cindy's mother had wanted to introduce me to her oldest daughter.

When I talked to Cindy about this, she admitted to the other relationship but tried to explain that it wasn't serious because he was so far away.

I felt slightly betrayed. Not hurt, but just dinged a little more than the Amy Situation in college.

I continued to see Cindy for a few weeks more, but with much less interest and enthusiasm, intending to break things off completely in short order. I was not interested in helping her pass the time until her boyfriend finished his graduate studies. And I wasn't serious enough yet with Cindy that I wanted to ask her to end the relationship with the other guy.

I've always (tried) to avoid casual dating. Not always been successful. But I sure don't do it anymore. My dating has purpose once again.

***

I recently found out that a childhood friend of mine became a Hassid not long after he left for college. He is now a successful professional and a (very tired but) happily married father of eight frum children.

He lives Jewish values, passes them onto his children, and gives them the best possible chance to have and further pass on the kind of happiness and contentment that I have lacked for most of my adult life.

I pray every day to HaShem that such happiness and contentment still remain possible for me. I know happiness is a choice, and since my going on the derech over a year ago, I have chosen to be much happier while alone than I've been in the many years since my last serious relationship.

I'm trying to embrace the life that I didn't plan on. I pray that I can eventually be fulfilled by the life that HaShem plans for me, even if it's not the life that I have wanted.

Some new, close friends in my community have seen big changes in me in the last year. I can see those changes, too. They are convinced that I'll be married within a year.

That makes me smile.